Today and yesterday were my last two days down south, after which I head up to the midlands. My mind is mixed as to how the trip had gone. On one hand it was good to see my brothers, my parents and my old friends. On the other hand it was three weeks in a rat infested hole where the only time to myself I was ever able to do projects was the all-nighters I pulled, in order to work on things like this blog and my Android project to name two. This was mainly down to my dad encouraging my younger two brothers to constantly try pull me into their games, which forced me to put down whatever it was I was doing an entertain them and tried to put me on the guilt-trip the only time I absolutely had to say no (I was very tired and needed a little feet-up time). While I think I can understand how he is thinking, he cannot understand how I am thinking. He cannot see that I am a 20 year old student with projects to do, not a parent with two young kids, and thus the thought process might be very different. Ironically I am autistic,l which means I shouldn't be able to understand his thought process, or any body else's for that matter. So who's the autistic one now?
Yesterday was spent with my girlfriend, as a kind of last-day visit, as I may not be able to visit again for another couple of months. It was spent in her hometown, trying to find something to do (her hometown is just as bad for being excessively boring as mine). Eventually we decided to chill at hers for a bit. playing about a hundred small silly games with each other on the way. Sometimes i think these sideshows have an almost sentimental value to them, part of how we identify with each other, and at the same time create fun when there seems to be none around to be had.
Today was also the only day I got to see my older brother, with my dad. Dad was all too willing to constantly feed us with his fatherly wisdom, which sometimes he does not realise can actually be faulty. Indeed if he had his way, I'd have ended up going to a frankly poor university just so i could live with my parents still. In any case, both me and my brother had already listened to more fatherly 'wisdom' than we felt neccessary. It's not like the old man is trying to trip us up, far from it. It's just that this wisdom is limited to his experiences, which mostly come from a time and place very different to ours, and are even more limited in context of our career choices, especially mine (my learning curve includes learning Java, Android API and SQLite at the same time and trying to make a usable product from it. His included learning how to use Microsoft Office). I'm not saying he is always wrong, a lot of the time he can be bang on the money. But there is a big difference between 'most of the time' and 'always'
As for now, I'm sitting on a coach home thinking of what to make of my time down there. I'm not entirely sure if I want to repeat it, and there would be a lot of things I'd change if given the chance to repeat it.
Saturday 5 January 2013
Thursday 3 January 2013
Who'd have kids?
Apologies for not writing sooner. In all truth not much of interest really happened on the 2nd, so instead of writing the blog post, I pulled an all-nighter on making the Android app.
This was a decision I'd later come to regret. I spent the next day looking after my two younger brothers, the older of which initially really wanted to try my patience. I end up having to tell myself that 'they are only kids'. It seems like I have forgotten what it was like to have a relatively care-free lifestyle, particularly now that I am on the other side, realising that care-free does not exist and that adults around them have to do the caring for them. I suppose that's only natural when the child does not know of the pitfalls of the real world, thus someone else has to.
I'm starting to get a little tired of my time here having to revolve primarily around the younger ones, which some people might find disagreeable. But I'm not a parent, and don't plan to be for a while. I don't have that kind of patience, among a lot of other things I lack. Oh well, its just 1 more day...
This was a decision I'd later come to regret. I spent the next day looking after my two younger brothers, the older of which initially really wanted to try my patience. I end up having to tell myself that 'they are only kids'. It seems like I have forgotten what it was like to have a relatively care-free lifestyle, particularly now that I am on the other side, realising that care-free does not exist and that adults around them have to do the caring for them. I suppose that's only natural when the child does not know of the pitfalls of the real world, thus someone else has to.
I'm starting to get a little tired of my time here having to revolve primarily around the younger ones, which some people might find disagreeable. But I'm not a parent, and don't plan to be for a while. I don't have that kind of patience, among a lot of other things I lack. Oh well, its just 1 more day...
Tuesday 1 January 2013
New Year 2013
Apologies for the late post. New Years day didn't give me a whole lot of time to write a post so this will be 2 days worth instead.
New years eve began quieter than usual. It basically involved me killing time until 4pm, whereby I headed off to go meet my girlfriend. On the way out the door an old friend of mine messaged me saying she was in a bit of a state, and when I enquired further, she stated that her grandma was admitted to hospital, and probably would not live to see the New Year.
I had no idea what to say to this, and nothing I could say could improve the situation at all. That's one hell of a dark new year no matter what way you look at it. All I could do was offer my condolences to the poor girl and try to make sure she was alright, but at the end of the day no words can stop the inevitable. All I could do was comfort the girl while she watched it unfold.
After about an hour and a half of bus travel and walking, I found myself at my girlfriend's home. The main memory I have of that night was of her and I cuddled up when the fireworks were lighting the sky. It occurred to me that around the world there were millions of guys that would be going to these New Year parties with the desperate idea of getting laid, most returning empty handed, and yet I had all I wanted in a women wrapped in my arms at this moment. In that regard I consider myself to be a very lucky man, it's not everybody who gets that kind of love from their other halves, if they have one at all.
We spent the rest of new years morning, and much of the afternoon rooted to that spot. Only when it was just turning evening did I manage to leave her house and get a train back home (buses weren't running), and walk the rest of the way. Most of which was a very dark country path, some of which was absolutely covered by trees, making the path pitch black. I walked on through despite being nervous about this prospect.
It is not so much the dark that we fear when we are in a dark room, the fear is in being almost completely blind, a sensation most of us are not used to. But at the end of this path, the traveler is rewarded on a clear day with a beautiful vista of stars and constellations. Many of which you could otherwise not see if so much as one streetlamp was nearby.
It reminds me of how small the earth is in relation to the universe, and at the same time, put paid to the theory of Creationism, supporters of which say that the chances are impossibly slim of creating an environment suitable for life. While this is true, it should be noted that the universe is infinitely large, and therefore holds planets of every conceivable environment inside it; one that could support life was going to happen somewhere. It's not like I trust the Catholic Church at any rate; if their Bible is the word of God, then the church is the Word's editor. And the church is made up of humans who are just as corruptible as any other. They have removed books from their scriptures, censored literary works and even condemned people to house arrest because things came out that did not suit them. It is not inconceivable that given that kind of power again, they may resume doing these things. I wouldnt be surprised if they jailed Darwin or Dawkins given those powers again.
New years eve began quieter than usual. It basically involved me killing time until 4pm, whereby I headed off to go meet my girlfriend. On the way out the door an old friend of mine messaged me saying she was in a bit of a state, and when I enquired further, she stated that her grandma was admitted to hospital, and probably would not live to see the New Year.
I had no idea what to say to this, and nothing I could say could improve the situation at all. That's one hell of a dark new year no matter what way you look at it. All I could do was offer my condolences to the poor girl and try to make sure she was alright, but at the end of the day no words can stop the inevitable. All I could do was comfort the girl while she watched it unfold.
After about an hour and a half of bus travel and walking, I found myself at my girlfriend's home. The main memory I have of that night was of her and I cuddled up when the fireworks were lighting the sky. It occurred to me that around the world there were millions of guys that would be going to these New Year parties with the desperate idea of getting laid, most returning empty handed, and yet I had all I wanted in a women wrapped in my arms at this moment. In that regard I consider myself to be a very lucky man, it's not everybody who gets that kind of love from their other halves, if they have one at all.
We spent the rest of new years morning, and much of the afternoon rooted to that spot. Only when it was just turning evening did I manage to leave her house and get a train back home (buses weren't running), and walk the rest of the way. Most of which was a very dark country path, some of which was absolutely covered by trees, making the path pitch black. I walked on through despite being nervous about this prospect.
It is not so much the dark that we fear when we are in a dark room, the fear is in being almost completely blind, a sensation most of us are not used to. But at the end of this path, the traveler is rewarded on a clear day with a beautiful vista of stars and constellations. Many of which you could otherwise not see if so much as one streetlamp was nearby.
It reminds me of how small the earth is in relation to the universe, and at the same time, put paid to the theory of Creationism, supporters of which say that the chances are impossibly slim of creating an environment suitable for life. While this is true, it should be noted that the universe is infinitely large, and therefore holds planets of every conceivable environment inside it; one that could support life was going to happen somewhere. It's not like I trust the Catholic Church at any rate; if their Bible is the word of God, then the church is the Word's editor. And the church is made up of humans who are just as corruptible as any other. They have removed books from their scriptures, censored literary works and even condemned people to house arrest because things came out that did not suit them. It is not inconceivable that given that kind of power again, they may resume doing these things. I wouldnt be surprised if they jailed Darwin or Dawkins given those powers again.
Sunday 30 December 2012
Rendezvous
It's less than 24 hours before New Years, but nothing feels special about it right now. Today has felt more or less like the routine I've always wanted. Wake up with problems, fix the problems, have a few pints then back to bed. Simple. And effective.
I currently have a project that I'm working on at the moment, an Android productivity application designed around convenience and getting things done. The problem with these Apps is that they take as much discipline as their low-tech counterparts, which is something I hope to address.
The problem with my App is that I'm a rookie programmer, and until this morning, struggled to get the menu working. Despite this I feel I've come far, as there is only one more complex piece to the puzzle: SQLite on Android. At the time of writing, I know next to nothing about using this, and this will have to be research for another time. This morning I was quite satisfied with not having the program die on me whenever I was so bold as to load the main menu, and instead load correctly.
I spent the rest of the morning in an unfortunate mental bubble over a situation that arose a few days ago. It nagged at me all the way through breakfast and getting ready to go out. The meeting place was a good few miles away but I decide to walk regardless. I felt I could use the air and exercise, and in any case the bus services here are so chronically poor that I wouldn't be surprised if they were being managed by pure greed.
Before I knew it I was breaking into a run, almost as if my feet were trying to race my train of thought. The emotions that clouded my mind over the issue were receding into irrelevance. I could shine light on the path ahead. This was a much easier environment to find a solution. Before long it felt almost as if the solution was building itself on it's own accord. Done. Done and dusted. And I just reached town to boot.
Ever since I came down to visit a few weeks back, the one thing I have noticed about this town, the town I grew up in, was how dingy and depressing the mood is in the area. Walking to the meeting point I had observed a few individuals, from OAPs to young adults barely older than me, almost resign themselves to the fact that they will live and die in this dreary town, without seeing much of what the rest of the world, heck even the rest of the country, had to offer.
This was very much a contrast to the person I was down there to meet. She was a bright, bubbly individual with a playful childishness almost matching mine. Apparently I wasn't the only one that held a dim view of the town we were in and opted to go somewhere else for the day. A city with a few more things to do. Via the excessively-overcharging bus service. Who charge through the roof. Thankfully our childish behaviour at the back of the bus stopped the journey itself from getting monotonous.
After acquiring a few items from a few shops ( and witnessing her calm down drastically since the bus, leading me to believe her behaviour was purely hyperactivity), we head to one of the many local pubs in the area, had a beer and a best-of-3 game of pool. This is where she seemed she came into her element. she was trash talking, really competitive, determined to win, just shy of being an absolute douche. And I really liked it. I found it much more exciting than playing with someone with a pretense of emotional stability. I suspect this is a genetic thing, as males compete all the time, and its something we can connect to when competitiveness is done by females. Either way it felt refreshing, as this is often the exception rather than the rule. After this, however, things had calmed down a lot as we started to head back.
I got home from the day a little tired, spending a few hours on TeamExtreme Minecraft while absent-mindedly reflecting on the day with 'why this' and 'why that', without which this post would make little sense. Indeed, there are other questions I have that I am yet to figure out answers to, but at that moment they seemed superfluous, and now in my sleepy state they don't feel like they deserve the light of day. With that I'm signing off. Thank you and goodnight.
I currently have a project that I'm working on at the moment, an Android productivity application designed around convenience and getting things done. The problem with these Apps is that they take as much discipline as their low-tech counterparts, which is something I hope to address.
The problem with my App is that I'm a rookie programmer, and until this morning, struggled to get the menu working. Despite this I feel I've come far, as there is only one more complex piece to the puzzle: SQLite on Android. At the time of writing, I know next to nothing about using this, and this will have to be research for another time. This morning I was quite satisfied with not having the program die on me whenever I was so bold as to load the main menu, and instead load correctly.
I spent the rest of the morning in an unfortunate mental bubble over a situation that arose a few days ago. It nagged at me all the way through breakfast and getting ready to go out. The meeting place was a good few miles away but I decide to walk regardless. I felt I could use the air and exercise, and in any case the bus services here are so chronically poor that I wouldn't be surprised if they were being managed by pure greed.
Before I knew it I was breaking into a run, almost as if my feet were trying to race my train of thought. The emotions that clouded my mind over the issue were receding into irrelevance. I could shine light on the path ahead. This was a much easier environment to find a solution. Before long it felt almost as if the solution was building itself on it's own accord. Done. Done and dusted. And I just reached town to boot.
Ever since I came down to visit a few weeks back, the one thing I have noticed about this town, the town I grew up in, was how dingy and depressing the mood is in the area. Walking to the meeting point I had observed a few individuals, from OAPs to young adults barely older than me, almost resign themselves to the fact that they will live and die in this dreary town, without seeing much of what the rest of the world, heck even the rest of the country, had to offer.
This was very much a contrast to the person I was down there to meet. She was a bright, bubbly individual with a playful childishness almost matching mine. Apparently I wasn't the only one that held a dim view of the town we were in and opted to go somewhere else for the day. A city with a few more things to do. Via the excessively-overcharging bus service. Who charge through the roof. Thankfully our childish behaviour at the back of the bus stopped the journey itself from getting monotonous.
After acquiring a few items from a few shops ( and witnessing her calm down drastically since the bus, leading me to believe her behaviour was purely hyperactivity), we head to one of the many local pubs in the area, had a beer and a best-of-3 game of pool. This is where she seemed she came into her element. she was trash talking, really competitive, determined to win, just shy of being an absolute douche. And I really liked it. I found it much more exciting than playing with someone with a pretense of emotional stability. I suspect this is a genetic thing, as males compete all the time, and its something we can connect to when competitiveness is done by females. Either way it felt refreshing, as this is often the exception rather than the rule. After this, however, things had calmed down a lot as we started to head back.
I got home from the day a little tired, spending a few hours on TeamExtreme Minecraft while absent-mindedly reflecting on the day with 'why this' and 'why that', without which this post would make little sense. Indeed, there are other questions I have that I am yet to figure out answers to, but at that moment they seemed superfluous, and now in my sleepy state they don't feel like they deserve the light of day. With that I'm signing off. Thank you and goodnight.
Saturday 29 December 2012
Prologue
Here I am. Sat at my computer at silly o'clock at night. This habit of mine has become more frequent over the past month or two. A few weeks ago you could reason that this was necessary, after all university tests don't get smashed by themselves. But this is the 30th of December, and I don't know of many educational institutions in the western world with semesters up to and including New Years. Why am I here?
In this sleep-deprived state of mine I don't have a fully formed explanation, in what feels like a first. I could conjecture that I feel the need to communicate the things that are on my mind but this is not an urge that you could characterise me with. My mental exercise involves solving puzzles of a logical nature with a side order of philosophical thought, with the puzzle of bringing together the most effective words to convey ideas more or less relegated to updating my CV, or figuring out what to say during intern interviews. It is likely that those better versed in English Literature have probably come to this conclusion before even finishing the first sentence, in which case I'd give credit where such is due.
This is not a blog about soul-searching or trying to figure out who I am and such. I've been doing that for the past 4 years, and haven't felt need to write about it, and could never be bothered to remember it and write it down here either. Nor is this a boring egotistical fact sheet about myself that will be of interest to no one. There are paper diaries and word editors for that kind of drivel, away from the danger of boring a poor unsuspecting web surfer.
Rather this is about expressing thoughts and ideas on daily life, which I can only do through my own experiences. Knowing me, these will include my opinions on grey areas or controversial subjects. I make no apologies for this, and I am brutally honest in the things I say, even when referring to myself. I hope for it to be enlightening before anything else.
It is now 4.30AM (GMT). How I've lasted this long is anybody's guess. Either way I'd best be signing off for some kip. Enjoy
In this sleep-deprived state of mine I don't have a fully formed explanation, in what feels like a first. I could conjecture that I feel the need to communicate the things that are on my mind but this is not an urge that you could characterise me with. My mental exercise involves solving puzzles of a logical nature with a side order of philosophical thought, with the puzzle of bringing together the most effective words to convey ideas more or less relegated to updating my CV, or figuring out what to say during intern interviews. It is likely that those better versed in English Literature have probably come to this conclusion before even finishing the first sentence, in which case I'd give credit where such is due.
This is not a blog about soul-searching or trying to figure out who I am and such. I've been doing that for the past 4 years, and haven't felt need to write about it, and could never be bothered to remember it and write it down here either. Nor is this a boring egotistical fact sheet about myself that will be of interest to no one. There are paper diaries and word editors for that kind of drivel, away from the danger of boring a poor unsuspecting web surfer.
Rather this is about expressing thoughts and ideas on daily life, which I can only do through my own experiences. Knowing me, these will include my opinions on grey areas or controversial subjects. I make no apologies for this, and I am brutally honest in the things I say, even when referring to myself. I hope for it to be enlightening before anything else.
It is now 4.30AM (GMT). How I've lasted this long is anybody's guess. Either way I'd best be signing off for some kip. Enjoy
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